The “Don’t TOUCH My Hair” Prayer

Dear Ancestral Mother,

We bow our heads and ask that you lovingly strike down the hand of that child who accosted sweet friend’s scalp. We bind the demon that possesses people to overstep with their compliments and who allows people to be too free with black womanhood. We ask that the same Creator of our follicles be the maker of wisdom and common sense. STRIKE them Lord in the mind with the knowledge.

May their hands curl up like unintelligible gang signs when they attempt to pet other humans. May their wrists fall limp and their fingers fall asleep.

In the holy mother's name we pray.

A-M-E-N

The “Airline Travelers” Prayer

Dear Guardian God of airlines and celestial spirits. We come to you today to bind the demonic winds of hurricanes. We ask you to shut the door on any obstacle that may stand in our way, in the same overly aggressive and unfounded manner in which colonialist nations now guard their borders.

We ask that our friend’s plane take off and soar, just like Cardi B’s blessed career...and that you guide the invisible hands of fate to guarantee she make her connection, in the same way we all network on LinkedIn - hopefully, often and effectively.

We gather up all the angels of the skies and ask that they take flight next to her planes and carry her to her destination with the same delicate tenderness with which I wish my mother would have combed my hair.

In your holy heavenly name we pray.

A-M-E-N

The “I Need a Booty” Prayer

Dear Lord,

We come to you in solemnity. We ask that you touch our butts and make it jiggle like a bowl full of jelly. Let us bounce our butts like basketballs and swing it round like a lasso. Let us grow booties us suddenly as many celebrities do - overnight. We have faith in your anointing touch!

Blessed be the gods of twerking - A-M-E-N.

The “Where my Man At?” Prayer

Spirit of the universe and eternal Mother, we come before you and request you breathe life into your children. To lift up our men, especially our black and brown men. We pray that while you cover them In your safety, you clothe them in your brilliant love. May you cultivate them to be the kind of partners who hype their women up. Who lay their coats on the ground so that we may walk through non-manicured lawns and puddles of nasty water without harm.

May we have men who send us texts in the middle of the day, just cause and who do not feel the call of the patriarchy upon their lives. May we be with men who will wear our lace front wigs for us when the mannequin is missing and let us press those strands like the IRS be pressing us for money.

May we find a man who pop up like Jerome at the club when we are in need of a compliment. May our men be sensitive enough to weep with us when we find out that our favorite foundation (in our exact shade of brown) has been discontinued, but focused enough to read our business plans and offer constructive critiques. May we be with men who have a home cooked meal ready at the end of the day and a kind note tucked away in our eternally carb filled work lunch box.

Most of all Mother Universe, may we find partners who uplift us, who enrich us and who evolve us. Men who know that true power is found in strength and vulnerability (which is exactly what you need in a good bra and press on nails).

In you’re ancestral name we pray, A-M-E-N

DISCLAIMER * Please feel free to substitute the pronouns and attributes as you see fit. We encourage love for all, so if you are not looking for a man or are in pursuit of a non-binary partner - WE SUPPORT IT!

The “Breast Reduction” Prayer

Dear Mother Creator,

The very spirit who birthed this universe, we come to you in gratitude for our friend’s new supermodel, skinny white woman breasts. We thank you for perky titties that sit up so high you can rest your chin. We give great gratitude for nipples that have as much sensation as a tender headed black child on braiding day.

We thank you for the the safe passage of mammary tissue into the trash bin...We praise your holy name and speak into existence a speedy recovery and scarring so small that even TMZ doesn’t know if it really happened or not. In your name we pray. A-M-E-N